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Tuesday, February 26, 2008

to jordan

I walk along holding your almost 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow Of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: How could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you've never shared me before. I hear you telling me in your own way, "Please love only me." And I hear myself telling you in mine, "I can't," Knowing in fact, that I never can again. You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying her -- as though I am betraying you. But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection. More days pass, and we are setting into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just us two. There are new times -- only now, we are three.

I watch the look between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how she adores you -- as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement.

Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you -- only differently. And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you -- you each have your own supply. I love you -- both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.

-this is called "loving two". i didnt write this......but it is my heart!

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2 Comments:

Blogger Hollie said...

That paragraph ecchos the way I feel toward Laney as well, if and when I get pregnant again. I frequently ask myself.."How?" But I love watching those that go before me and how they made the transition. Just think, Jordan will be so much a better little boy and even a man just by having someone else on which to love, teaching him that the world is not about him, but about being selfless and loving others. :)

2/27/2008 8:06 AM  
Blogger Funky Cold Medinas said...

It's actually just as easy to love two. You don't love either one less or more; your heart just expands to hold them both.

2/29/2008 10:35 AM  

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